That's why I'm not real keen on being a sea otter either, although furry, fluffy and just dog-gone adorable. The thought of being fatally thrashed around like a rag doll by Jaws or Shamoo unexpectedly while I'm floating on my back, smashing a clam (using my paws and a rock), is just not appealing to me. I must be able to frolic and play with my fellow otters in clear, fresh water with little (unsuspecting) chance of becoming someone else's meal.
Otters are the star characters (emphasis on characters) in nature's own permormance of "Cirque du Soleil." They're the limber dancers, acrobats and silly clowns of the forest who make their lives fun and fancy-free effortlessly. No complicated social structure with ottters; they live peacefully in families and easily co-exist with others in their community because that's their nature. Simply put, otters are the bringers and sustainers of the all night animal party.
They are the ones who truly live their motto..."No worries." And they can do that because they have no cares of the world or burdens to weigh them down. I really wish I was an otter.
You see, as I sit here writing, nursing a probable stress fracture to my right shin (no joke), I'm also pondering my future with my new bff, fibromyalgia. Think of having the flu minus the coughing and sneezing, but keeping the body aches and fatigue. That's fibromyalgia.
But just like the ads on "As Seen on TV", there's more. There's the fatigue and the mental fog and lack of concentration. And of course, the nagging aching muscle pain all over. And now at night I have a restless leg kind of thing going on where I have to hang my right leg over the edge of the bed and swing it back and forth like a pendulum. Then I can't fall asleep and when I do, I toss and turn over all night long like a chicken on a rotisserie stick. Poor Cliffy g (aka the man)...sleeping with me is like sleeping on a trampoline.
There is this component to fibromyalgia that shows a possible relationship between this condition and depression. It's like a chicken vs. egg thing. Does having fibromyalgia make you depressed or does depression lower the threshold of pain, causing more sensitivity to pain? So now I'm struggling with both pain and some pretty bad blues...good times.
I really noticed that something was wrong with my body when I started the personal training. I'm not blaming the rigorous sessions for causing my pain, I'm just saying that I think they exacerbated it. Figures, I was finally moving in the right direction with my plan to better myself this year, and whammo.
I think the last (and probably final now) workout with Zack did me in. I wrote about it in my July post and now when I think about how incredibly grueling (more so than before) it was for me, I now know why. After I came home that night, I didn't feel right. Then I developed a low grade fever and intense muscle/body aches. The next day I was totally wiped out. I haven't been back to the gym since.
It's sad because it's been over a month since my workout with Zack and he hasn't even called to see if I'm alive. I guess I was just another overweight middle-aged woman to him. I really thought we had something special (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). I will get to see him again though, when I give him my doctor's excuse (ending my training contract) and to gaze into those intense blue eyes one last time for a while.
You know, I feel like I was a contestant on "Wipe Out" where I was doing so well until BAM I got nailed by a rotating punching bag and fell into that yucky muddy water only after slamming into every obstacle on the way down. Then I hear the announcer say "aw, that's a shame...she was doing so well, but folks, she is out of the game."
There, I've told you all now and I don't have to pretend like everything is honky-dory. I told you because 'it is what it is', and it's part of my story now and will ride heavily on my back thru this journey called life.
Remember in the story of "Peter Pan" where Tinkerbell almost died because people didn't believe in her anymore? Well, in a strange kind of way, that's how I feel right now. I feel lost and discouraged and definitely out of pixie dust.
I'm not angry with God, strangely enough; I just don't understand what He's doing with me. I'm not throwing in the towel either; I just need a little pep talk, that's all.
I'm the worst person at asking for help, trust me, I am. I'm good at clapping for others, but not for "Team Mary Pat." Could you "clap" for me? Maybe even talk to the big guy upstairs for me? I could really use some rallying from the troops out there. I just need to be reminded that I am not alone and that I have the love and support of others who will raise their pom poms for me.
We all have had our own set backs now and then, right? Well, I want to hear from you about what gives you strength, courage and hope to keep on keeping on. If I don't hear from anyone, I'll just keep singing that ol' Negro Spiritual..."Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...nobody knows, but...Jee...zus."
One request though. Please do not try to "minister" to me with christian cliches like "...and we know that all things work together, etc" unless you've clung to that verse and came out a better person on the other end because of it. I want to hear how God brought you through your own pain and I need you to be honest.
OK then. Time to decide...shall I continue with the dismally gloomy "Team Eeyore" or slip into the fresh, clear water and carefree world of "Team Otter"?
I know what my heart 'otterly' wants.
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